My husband Jose died at home on February 1, 2024. His transition to death was just like how he lived, sweet and tender. One day in September 2024 there was something I wanted to tell him and I stopped myself thinking “Oh wait, I can’t because he is not here”. Then I realized that I could tell him, because he is here. I document what I want to tell him so I don’t forget these moments of noticing, remembering and connecting. The Trail Magic page is devoted to appreciation of those folks along the way who have offered moments of generosity, inspiration or unexpected wonder.
We experienced a great deal of trauma within the U.S. healthcare system.
Grief and trauma are not the same thing.
Trauma is dehumanizing and immobilizing.
Grief is humanizing and healing.
Trauma isolates me from myself and separates me from others.
Grief creates intimacy — with myself and with others.
I want to release the veil of trauma and hold sorrow close to my heart.
These writings bring me to that place of aliveness and intimacy cultivated through grief.
Posts
-
Love in the Trenches
September 10, 2024 I Want to Tell You…That I am sorry I was so hard. This old blog post keeps rolling through my consciousness: The Good, The Bad & The Beautiful June 16, 2009, 3:25 AM On April 15 Jose had the blackout and fall and CT scan revealing the giant tumor. Since that time…
-
Intimate Moments
June 24, 2026 Last November I kind of blew through the 20th anniversary of my diagnosis with stage III breast cancer. Today is your birthday and as I counted decades on my fingers to figure out how old you are, saying 2006 out loud brought up memories of where we were twenty years ago. A…
-
Diagnosis Day 2009
April 15, 2009 You always claimed you didn’t remember a thing about that day. I used to joke that you just didn’t want to take the time to give me your version of it. Now we are seventeen years down the road, and I find myself posting things about you without your approval — something…
-
Breath of the Universe
February 1, 2024 I sleep with Jose and have the night shift for meds – 1 am and 5 am. Here at home, I have had months to perfect getting us both crammed into a hospital bed, so our nights are quite comfortable now. I go to bed with the work area fireman-ready for both…
-
Redemption Songs
January 27, 2024 Finally away from Mission and settled in to Four Seasons, we both slept comfortably and well last night. Now that Jose’s brain is no longer trying to kill him (active brain bleed) his heart is strong and all vitals are ideal. On waking I wondered how many nights I have spent crammed…
-
This Shit is Real
December 6, 2025 I want to tell you that this shit is real. I have a new home-health client. I had introductory meeting with her and her daughter on Thursday night, and even then, I had a prickle in my gut that something wasn’t right. When I went for my first full day on Saturday,…
-
Waiting
May 29, 2025 I want to tell you that your toilet habit fame lives on. Today I went to physical therapy at Movement for Life in Candler. I arrived early and headed straight to the restroom—only to find it occupied. I waited for a bit. Then I realized I was in the way, awkwardly milling…
I Want to Tell You 